[Copyright (C) by someone, 1970s?] Why do elephants have trunks? They can't afford suitcases! Why [also] does an elephant have a trunk? To hide himself when he sees a mouse! If an elephant didn't have a trunk, how would he smell? Trunk or no trunk, he'd still smell terrible. Why does an elephant have a short tail? Someone pulled his trunk! Why [also] do elephants have short tails? So they won't get them caught in subway doors! Why do elephants have teeth? To chew their toenails! Why do elephants have toenails? So they can have something to chew! Why do elephants have long toenails? To pick their trunks! Why do elephants have long toenails on Friday? Because their manicurist doesn't come until Saturday! Why do elephants go to bed late? They spend hours setting their tails! Why do elephants have gray skin? From ``iron-poor blood''! Why [also] are elephants gray? So you can tell them from bluebirds! How do elephants earn extra money? They baby-sit for bluebirds on Saturday nights! Why do elephants have wrinkled knees? From playing marbles. Why do elephants have dirty knees? From praying for rain! Why do elephants have white tusks? They use the Crest formula! Why do elephants' tusks stick 'way out? Because their parents won't allow them to get braces! Why do elephants have squinting eyes? From reading the small print on peanut packages! Why do elephants like peanuts? Because they can save the peanut wrappers for valuable prizes! Why do elephants have round feet? To walk on the lily pads! Why do elephants step on the lily pads? The water won't hold them up!! How do you make an elephant float? Two scoops of ice cream, soda, and some elephant! How do you get down from an elephant? You don't! You get down from a duck! Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires! Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks! What's gray and stamps out jungle fires? Smokey, the Elephant! What's Smokey the Elephant's middle name? THE! Why did the elephant fall out of a palm tree? A hippopotamus pushed him out! Why [also] do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of palm trees! Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? Because that's when elephants are jumping out of trees! What do you find between elephants' toes? Slow running natives! Why are pygmies so small? They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon! Why [also] do elephants have flat feet? They don't have arches in their sneakers! Why do elephants have sore ankles? From wearing their sneakers too tight! What do elephants have that no other animal has? Baby elephants! What's the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants! What's gray and white and red all over? An embarrassed elephant! What's [also] gray and white and red all over? A sunburnt elephant! What is red and white on the outside and gray on the inside? An inside-out elephant! What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside? Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup! What's red, blue, yellow, green, orange, purple, and white? A Madras elephant. How do you kill a Madras elephant? Put him in a tub of water and let him bleed. How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue shotgun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Twist his trunk until it turns blue and kill him with a blue shotgun. What's gray and lights up? An electric elephant! What weighs two pounds, is gray, and flies? A two-pound elephant bird! What has twelve legs, is pink, and goes ``Bah, Bah, Bah''? Three pink elephants singing the ``Whiffenpoof Song!'' What's the difference between a plum and an elephant? Their color! What's the similarity between a plum and an elephant? They're both purple, except for the elephant! How do you stop a herd of elephants from charging? Take away their credit cards! What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming? ``Here come the elephants!'' What did Jane say? ``Here come the plums!'' (She was colorblind!!) What did one elephant say to the other? Nothing! Elephants can't talk! What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming down the path? Voila' les e'le'phants down the path! What did the elephants say when they saw de Gaulle? Nothing! Elephants can't speak French! What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path wearing sunglasses? Nothing! He couldn't recognize them! Why do elephants wear glasses? To make sure they don't step on other elephants! What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? They're all on the same team! What's the difference between a girl elephant and a boy elephant? One sings soprano, one sings bass! Why do girl elephants wear angora sweaters? To tell them apart from boy elephants! How do you lift an elephant? Put him on an acorn and wait twenty years! How do elephants get in trees? They parachute from airplanes! How [also] does an elephant get in a tree? He hides in an acorn and waits for a squirrel to carry him up! How does an elephant get down from a tree? He sits on a leaf and waits for the wind to carry him down! Why does an elephant climb a tree? To get in his nest! Why do elephants climb up palm trees? To try out their new sneakers! Why do elephants wear sneakers while jumping from tree to tree? They don't want to wake up the neighbors! Why do elephants wear blue sneakers? Their red ones are in the laundry! Why do elephants wear green sneakers? To hide in the grass! Why do elephants wear green caps? So they can tip-toe across a pool table without being seen! Why do elephants wear short-shorts? You'd sweat too, if you wore long pants in the jungle heat! Why do elephants catch colds? You would too if you ran around without any clothes on! How do you know when there's an elephant in your bathtub? You can smell the peanuts on his breath! How do you fit four elephants in a VW bug? Two in the front and two in the back. How can you tell when there's an elephant in your refrigerator? You can see his footprints in the peanut butter. How can you tell when there are two elephants in your refrigerator? The pizza's gone. How can you tell when there are three elephants in your refrigerator? The door won't close. How can you tell when there are four elephants in your refrigerator? There's an empty VW bug in the driveway. How do you fit six elephants in your car? Three in the back; three in the front! How do you fit six elephants in a volkswagon? Three in the back; two in the front; and one in the glove compartment! How can you tell if there's an elephant on your back during a hurricane? You'll hear his ears flapping in the wind! Why did the elephant lie on his back in the water and stick his feet up? So you could tell him from a bar of Ivory soap! Why do elephants float down the river on their backs? They don't want to get their tennis shoes wet! Why do elephants wear tennies? Because ninies are too small. Why does an elephant lie on his back? To trip low-flying canaries! Why do elephants hide behind trees? To trip ants! Why did the eleph marry the ant? He wanted to have Eleph-ants! Why can't elephants hitchhike? They don't have thumbs! Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle? He doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell. Why don't elephants listen to the radio? They don't have fingers to turn the dial! Why are elephants trumpeters? It is too hard for them to learn to play the piano! Why don't elephants take ballet lessons? They've outgrown their leotards! Why do elephants never lie! The grass isn't very comfortable! Why does an elephant never forget! What has he got to remember?! Why do elephants drink? They want to forget! Where do you find elephants? It depends on where you leave them! Where [also] do you find elephants? Elephants are so darned big that they hardly ever get lost! Why do elephants roll down the hill? Because they can't roll up very well! How do you make a slow elephant fast? Don't feed him! How do you make a statue of an elephant? Get a stone and carve away all that doesn't look like an elephant! When you buy elephants, what should you always check for first? The Good Housekeeping ``Seal of Approval''! Why don't many elephants go to college? Because they don't finish high school! How do you get an elephant out of a box of Jello? Follow the directions on the back of the package! Why did the elephant and the donkey fight? It was an election year! What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to buy a new fence! Why are elephants' tusks easier to get in Alabama? Because their ``Tuscaloosa''. What color hair tint do elephants use? How would I know? Only their hairdressers know for sure! Why do elephants live in jungles? It's away from the high-rent district! How do elephants dive into swimming pools? Head first! How do you run over an elephant? Climb up his tail, dash to his head, then slide down the trunk!! How do you make an elephant stew to serve 1000 guests? Get a gigantic-sized elephant and cook with potatoes, vegetable, and spices. This is enough to serve 500 people. Throw in two rabbits. Now there's enough to serve 1000 people!! One way to catch elephants: Hide in the grass and make a noise like a peanut! Still another way to catch elephants: Make a sign spelling elephants wrong: ``Elefunts''. Elephants will come along, see the sign, and begin to laugh. Take a pair of binoculars and look through the wrong end. Pick the elephants up with tweezers and drop them in an empty milk bottle! Why don't elephants laugh? With all these sickening elephant jokes going around, how can they?! Why do elephants wear sunglasses? With all this publicity, they are afraid to be recognized! Particularly at the end of the nineteenth century, everybody in German science got stuck in [...] introductory studies. Not only preliminary studies were made, but pre-studies to pre-studies. You cannot talk about a subject without a certain amount of preliminary study, but one should not lose sight of the fact that it is only an instrument. Paderewski related that a competition was once started for which everybody had to write a book on the elephant. A Frenchman went to the Zoo and then wrote a booklet entitled *L'El'ephant Amoureux*. After plenty of vodka, a Russian wrote a book entitled *L'El'ephant, existe-t-il*? An American wrote a book with a lot of figures and photographs called *Bigger and Better Elephants*. The German never looked at an elephant at all, but went to all the libraries and then wrote ten volumes entitled *Introductory Pre-Remarks to the Study of the Elephant*. : Marie-Louise von Franz, *Problems of the Feminine in Fairytales*.